He or She
by sonofon
Summary: Why the hell was he always getting called a girl? He hated it. Didn’t they ever notice that he was wearing the boy’s uniform? And then, suddenly, the solution to everything came to his head: become a host. Parody. Written for Unyielding Chaos.


A/N: This is an OC-fic parody. _Parody_. Written for Unyielding Chaos.

**He or She**

by: sonofon

--

When the girls began fawning over the new transfer student, complimenting her for her beautiful long hair, and soft, clear skin, the said student replied in a gruff voice, "Get off of me."

This startled the girls for several reasons, the most important of which was that the girl had answered with a voice that one would normally associate with a male, a being who, among other things, possessed a Y chromosome.

Yet, her face was oval-shaped, and she had large drooping eyes. Thin, brown strands of hair matted her forehead, and she was simply too pretty to have such an ugly, ugly voice.

"Where are you from?" Miss Nagano asked her in a high-pitched, kind voice that one associated with a girl, a being who, among other things, did not possess a Y chromosome.

"Osaka," she answered, in that same gruff voice. The other girls backed off until only Nagano stood next to her.

"And how are you enjoying Ouran, Miss Kobayashi?" another girl asked. "I hear schools in Osaka are very much different from the ones here."

The transfer had a few answers for the girl, none of which were quite appropriate to say. "Okay," she managed. "Quite nice, really."

She stopped talking after that, which was fine for the other girls, who continued to praise the new student's features, namely, her hair and luscious eyes.

When the class break came, Yuki was quite eager to leave, immediately going to the bathroom for a moment of peace and quiet.

Then he cursed. Goddamn girls.

Why the hell was he always getting called a girl? Goddamn it. He hated it. Really, he did. Didn't they ever notice that he was wearing the boy's uniform? Didn't they notice his voice?

That should have been a dead giveaway. Goddamn the world. It only confirmed his belief that people only cared what your face looked like. He slid against the bathroom wall and sank to the ground. He hated having his masculinity challenged. Which self-respecting guy would want to be mistaken for a _girl_?

Two days, and he was already sick of this fucking place. Was he going to have to transfer again? And what was this, the tenth time already?

He banged his head against the wall. His name didn't help: Yuki was a unisex name. His hair didn't help either. It was long, it was silky. What was he supposed to do about it?

In his last school, he'd cut it, thinking that he'd look manlier with a short haircut.

Didn't help. The girls took it as a new fashion statement, and it was dubbed as a 'boy cut'. And boy, was he frustrated. Since there was no point in cutting it, he let it grow back. Big mistake. It became even more silky and soft, if that was possible.

The world was out to hate him, he decided.

Once a guy – a _guy_ – had confessed to him. How embarrassing was that? He ran away, and that goddamn guy probably ended up pissing his pants off or something.

Not like he cared or anything.

When the bell rang for the next class, Yuki didn't bother leaving the bathroom stall. Actually, he didn't really care for his studies, since he always did fine anyway. In fact, he wouldn't have minded to get kicked out of Ouran, either.

He was _Miss_ Kobayashi Yuki here anyway.

Goddamn it.

And then, suddenly, the solution to everything came to his head. Everything, at that moment, became clear. You could hear the Legend of Zelda noise 'Item Found' playing in the distance under the expertise of an orchestra the school always kept on hand.

_Become a host._

Why the hell hadn't he thought of that sooner? He slapped himself. Two days, and the girls had already told him the entire history of all seven ultra-handsome, genius _male_ students who formed the Host Club.

Every time they mentioned one of the host's names, they Literally Melted. It was disgusting, but Yuki thought that maybe if he could become a host, maybe girls wouldn't mistake him for one of them anymore. It was a comforting thought.

He decided to set off immediately to find the leader of the hosts, and to convince him that he, Kobayashi Yuki, was one of the manliest students there could be.

--

"My dear princess with flowing brown hair," Tamaki was crooning, "who would you like to designate as your host today?"

Yuki was, to say the least, freaked out. "Gah!"

"Hm?" Tamaki leaned closer, holding tenderly onto Yuki's hand. "Did you say me?"

"Gah! No! No one!" He grabbed his hand out of Tamaki's, retreating to the other end.

Kyouya was ready, notebook in hand.

"Kobayashi Yuki. Class 2-C. A new transfer here from Osaka. Grades are slightly above average, likes include cantaloupe, mangoes, and pea–"

"What the hell?" Yuki interrupted. "How the hell do you know all that?"

Tamaki gasped. "A lady with such crude language?" He retreated to his corner, mourning all that is the loss of a girl's innocence and purity.

The twins latched onto either side of Yuki. "An interesting student, wouldn't you say, Hikaru?" Kaoru noted.

"Yes, of course," Hikaru answered. Yuki pushed both away.

"Shut _up_! I'm not here for that hosting crap!" Yuki sighed and ignored the melodramatic tears from Tamaki. "I'm here to look for your leader!"

Tamaki shot up. "Leader? Then I presume you are looking for me!"

"Yeah, sure," he said. "Anyway, I want to ask something of you."

"And what is that, sweet princess?"

So Yuki pointed his finger at him, disregarding the fact that he'd just been called a princess again, and said in a decidedly manly voice, "I want to be a host."

The temperature dropped by about twenty-three degrees. Haruhi left to adjust the heater.

"W-what?" Tamaki dropped his shoulders in a very un-princely manner. "Princess?"

"_Prince_," Yuki retorted, "if you even have to go there. Doesn't the uniform give it away? I'm a freaking _guy_."

"But, but…" Tamaki was flailing his arms around, looking desperately for his support. His support helpfully stared back and shrugged their shoulders. Tamaki seethed and walked in circles around Yuki, carefully examining the specimen of a new transfer student.

"The hair! The eyes! The skin! All signs of a young and virtuous–"

"_Guy_," Yuki deadpanned.

Tamaki retreated to the corner once again.

"So…are you that new transfer student," Haruhi clarified, because she had to say something.

"Yeah, I am."

"Who was crossdressing as a guy because she didn't like the girl's uniform?" she finished flatly, tilting her head in inquiry.

"You've mistaken him," Kyouya told her, "for the other girls, if you recall them. In fact, Kobayashi Yuki _is_ male. He's suffered years of hell and torture for getting mistaken as a girl. You could say that he has a complex."

"There you go again, spouting off my _personal_ information! What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Mother, Mother," Tamaki intoned, his hand pressed against his head in a dramatic manner. He'd returned from the dreaded corner. "I just had a terrible dream. There was a girl, who was actually a boy. Mother, tell me it wasn't real."

"I advise you not to turn your head fifty-six point nine degrees to your left then."

"Oh, okay," he replied, and then promptly did what he'd just been told not to.

Yuki was still standing there, looking shocked as hell.

"What the _fuck_ is this?" he put eloquently.

Tamaki screamed.

Yuki ignored him.

"So back to what I was asking of you," he said, turning back towards Tamaki, "let me be a host."

"Normally, if you were a girl crossdressing as a guy for one flimsy reason or another, I'd be obligated to say yes," Tamaki replied, looking thoroughly concerned. "But with you, I have to voice concern and ask why."

"What? Why?"

Tamaki edged him on.

"Well," Yuki sighed, "all my life, I've been called a girl, and I really, really _hate_ it. I just want to look like any other guy, that's it. So I'm here after going through millions of schools, and I hear about this host club." He paused.

The others gathered in closer.

"So," he continued, "if I become a host, surely that'll mean I am of the male gender, and thereby convince the world that I am a guy."

He looked at the others.

"Is that it?" Tamaki asked.

"Er, yeah," he said.

"Oh," said Hikaru, "that was boring."

"I agree," Kaoru added, "You'd think it'd be more unique at least."

"What do you mean?" Yuki's anger, at this moment in time, could not be conveyed into his words. If he did, it would go something along the lines of 'fuck you'.

"In short, you're only here because you want to be seen as male," Kyouya concluded, scribbling furiously in his notebook. "There is no reason including, but not exclusive to, loneliness, boredom, angst, or just because?"

"Um, yeah. Why else would I waste my time here? So can I join?"

"No," Tamaki said simply.

Yuki nearly blew up. "WHAT? You're _always_ supposed to say yes in stories like this!"

"I do?"

"YES!" he shouted. "How else would a random, emotionless _girl_ manage to join this club?" He rolled his eyes. "Obviously because you said yes. And they don't even fit the first requirement for being a host, namely, _being a guy_. That's like saying all the girls who come for those boys-who-are-actually-girl-hosts are lesbian."

"_L-l-lesbian_?" Tamaki stuttered along. "H-how _could_ you say such…horrible words, princess?"

"I AM A MAN, YOU GODDAMN FOOLS," Yuki asserted. "IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND?"

Everyone, needless to say, was outraged by this short, yet moving speech characterized by many bad words. Mori, once seeing that the dust had settled, removed his hands from Hunny's ears.

"Don't do it, Milord!" the twins cried in tandem, because they were rebellious like that, and whenever someone wanted something, they automatically wanted the opposite.

Kyouya shrugged. "Your decision."

Haruhi couldn't have cared less. "I have homework."

Hunny didn't care much either. "I have cake," he chirped.

Mori agreed with Hunny.

And so, Tamaki, left – no, _abandoned_ – in his time of despair, could only rely on his own intuitive and make the rightful decision. It involved a lot of angsting on the Third Music Room's carpet, leading to some tearing of the curtains as well (the charge added to Haruhi's growing debt), and a long heart-to-heart debate with himself.

When he was finally ready, the twins had long since become bored and asked to leave, which was not allowed. Haruhi had already finished her homework for the day and was getting started on the next day's. Hunny had plowed his way through the small, really, three-layer cake, and Mori was off getting a second.

"Well?" Yuki asked, frustrated at this indecision. God, it was already fricking _five o' clock_.

Tamaki cleared his throat, only adding to the suspense. He imagined the others sucking in their breaths in abated anticipation. He didn't want to break any hearts.

"Drum roll?"

A wave of awkward silence followed.

A cricket sounded in the distance, creating a mournful piece of music for all that was overdramatic in the world. Tamaki gritted his teeth.

"So, my dear Yuki-kun–"

"Don't _call_ me that!"

"I have to say," and here Tamaki paused, giving a quick glance to the others. They refused to meet his eyes, but Tamaki pretended not to notice. "No."

"WHAT?"

"My most sincere apologies, Yuki-kun, but your looks, unfortunately, are not required at this moment in time," Tamaki continued, patting his hand on Yuki's back. "Our crossdresser in residence, Haruhi, already fulfills this need."

Yuki turned his head at the brunette. "You? _You_ – I _knew_ you were a girl! You _had_ to be!"

Haruhi looked up. "Does it really matter?" she said to no one in particular.

"And so, if you could please be escorted out this way," Kyouya said, taking hold of Yuki's shoulders from Tamaki, guiding (read: forcing) him towards the large front doors. "Your presence was very much appreciated today. We hope you enjoy your time here in Ouran as well, it's a very opportunity-filled school."

"Opportunity-filled _my ass_."

"This way, please."

"This is _wrong_!"

The twins took him by surprise as they lifted him from the ground and prepared to dump him out. "Good day to you," Kaoru said.

"Dear princess," they finished, sharing one identical grin.

"You _Goddamn_ princes–"

It was then that something happened, and this is one hundred percent true. Really.

Yuki's pants ripped at the most unfortunate location. Right then. In front of everyone. Mori, this time, covered Hunny's eyes. "What is it, Takashi?" he was saying. "I wanna see!"

Meanwhile, no one heard Hunny's remarks, as they were busy concentrating on the spectacle in front of them. Kobayashi Yuki, _Miss_ Kobayashi Yuki, was standing there looking horrified, yet smug, sure that finally, _finally_, they would see that he was a guy. He'd never thought it go like this, but oh well.

"M-miss?" Tamaki, if possible, was about to hyperventilate.

"Yeah?" Yuki didn't seem too uncomfortable in the situation. Kyouya took note.

"Where's the camera?" the twins were saying. "Picture time!"

"Oh dear Mother in Heaven," Haruhi could be heard saying as she left the host club for the day, wondering why she didn't do so earlier.

Then, only Tamaki was left gapping and pointing in a very rude manner. He was turning pale in color, and his fine blonde hair was sticking out in frays.

"Y-you–"

Yuki waited for the finishing words. Yes, this was it. All this embarrassment would be worth it because he would be finally called a male. This would be the moment of his life, he couldn't wait–

"You're a _hermaphrodite_?"

END

A/N: That was just Tamaki over-reacting. Read and Review!


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